No bad children
Gen firmly believes there are no “bad” children—a perspective rooted in empathy and understanding typical child development. As Gen points out, little kids are not deliberately hurtful; they’re still learning impulse control, social awareness, and empathy, which take decades to fully develop.
Even when a child acts unkindly, Gen encourages a “generous assumption,” recognising such actions usually reflect underlying struggles, not inherent cruelty. Viewing behaviour through a developmental lens shifts the focus from punishment to understanding.
Repeated misbehaviour often signals sensory or emotional challenges, not malice. Gen believes every child is doing their best, and compassion helps them become resilient and kind.
“Often, when kids repeatedly do the ‘wrong’ thing, there’s an underlying struggle—like a sensory issue or language challenge—causing the non-pro-social behaviour. Kids do well when they can, so if they’re not, we need to understand what’s happening beneath the surface,” the parent educator says.
What is bullying?
Gen emphasises a clear difference between a child acting unkindly—like excluding another child from a game or criticising their drawing—and true bullying behaviour.
“Today, we often label any act of exclusion or meanness as bullying, but that’s not always accurate,” she explains. “For something to be considered bullying, there must be a power imbalance. It’s not just about a disagreement or a fight between kids; it’s when one child holds power over another and uses it to control the situation, like influencing a group to turn against someone.”
Another important aspect, Gen adds, is that bullying is targeted, specific, and ongoing. “If a child is excluded from a game once, it doesn’t necessarily qualify as bullying. Understanding this distinction is key,” she notes.
Get Curious
Gen says if a child shows ongoing behaviour that meets these markers, it’s important to get curious about the underlying causes. What looks like meanness or aggression might indicate a child struggling with something internal.
“Kids often act out because they don’t feel good about themselves or are overwhelmed by their emotions,” she shares.
She suggests starting with curiosity rather than criticism. “Ask what’s going on for that child instead of asking why they did something ‘bad.’ There’s always a reason behind the behaviour,” she explains.
It might be that a child is overwhelmed by noise, dealing with a difficult situation at home, or imitating behaviour they’ve seen from peers, siblings or parents. Once you’ve unpacked the context and identified the cause—like a child pushing someone after repeatedly asking them to stop touching them—you can empathise with the emotions behind the action.
“Once a child feels seen and heard, they’re more open to discussing what they could do differently,” Gen says.
The final step is social coaching and workshopping different approaches together. “Ask your child what they could do next time they face a similar situation. Remember, they will make mistakes—that’s a natural part of development,” she reveals.
Going beyond the moment is crucial for kids who frequently struggle with mean-spirited behaviour. “It’s about understanding the bigger picture of their development and what additional support they might need,” Gen adds.
Modelling empathy and compassion
It’s a daunting fact, but parents are their children’s biggest teachers and influences—no pressure! Gen emphasises that one of the most powerful things parents can do is model empathy and compassion for their children.
Children learn from observing adults and how parents handle situations—whether responding calmly to a rude driver or showing kindness to a stranger. All these tiny interactions, which feel inconsequential in the moment, can greatly impact how our kids treat others.
Gen suggests using these everyday moments to teach empathy to our little people. “If you see a baby crying in the supermarket, you can ask your child, ‘Why do you think that baby is upset? Maybe it’s hungry or tired.’ This fosters curiosity and empathy.”
Parents also need to be honest about their own slip-ups. “If I react harshly in a stressful situation, I try to own up to it,” Gen says. Acknowledging and correcting our mistakes models accountability and teaches our kids that everyone is constantly learning.
Be kind to yourself
No parent wants to hear that their child has been displaying bullying behaviour, so it’s really important to show yourself kindness and understanding.
“Hearing that your child is struggling or has acted hurtfully isn’t easy. Offering yourself compassion first is crucial; otherwise, you may react defensively or harshly, which helps no one,” advises Gen.
It can be a knee-jerk reaction to think, “My child would never do that,” and feel too ashamed to manage the situation and simply ignore the issue, but that won’t help anyone and does a massive disservice to your child and the victim.
“Start by acknowledging it’s hard to hear. No parent wants to be told their child is hitting, pushing, or excluding others. Without self-compassion, we risk responding out of shame, which can worsen the behaviour,” she explains.
Seeking help without shame
Finally, if you’ve tried everything and it’s still not working, there’s no shame in asking for more support.
“It’s a sign of strength, not failure to ask for help. Whether it’s a social skills course, seeing an occupational therapist, or consulting a child psychologist,” Gen says.
Remember, our kids are experiencing the world and social dynamics for the very first time. Let’s cut them some slack and show them grace—they’re still learning, growing, and making mistakes, just like adults!
“It’s a long journey, and there will be moments when they’re not perfect—it’s all part of growing up,” Gen reassures.
Want more? Follow Gen Muir at Connected Parenting on Instagram – and buy her book, Little People, Big Feelings, available now. (Macmillan Australia, RRP $36.99) Or read our previous feature with Gen and handling little peoples big feelings here.
